Part one: Where we start transferring all our unhealed pain onto the present, from relationships from the past. My mentors would mention how asking who the present person reminded you of, would allow a window into the past to heal the past and the future. We also project onto others what we haven’t healed. Projection is more than projecting unhealed qualities onto others, it’s more in depth. Anything that we have denied in ourselves we disown. This includes feelings. We may have had a painful experience in the past where we judged ourselves as something or others did. In response to how we felt about this, we heavily denied these feelings and locked them away from our conscious mind. Seeing what we see in others brings up those feelings. We might deny we feel something and say that someone else is feeling that way. Or we may see in others what we judged ourselves as. It takes a level of skill to determine if its the case, and deep reflection. The shadow step stage of our journey brings so much up in our relationships and where the power struggles begin.
We start bringing up a level of projections, and past pain. The level of maturity here means committing to understanding our feelings and communicating them with our loved ones. Discussing with solutions that may work with both. You see that under all the feelings you come to the same feeling in both of you. In any conflict, we will recognize one side, and the other side that brings up pain, we have buried deep inside ourselves. We may be right about a conflict and they were, however, that very righteousness keeps us stuck. There is also some need that both want, so control ensues to see who can control the other. To get through these conflicts both people must give up being right and connect, and trust to create solutions that include both sides. Surrender is not about sacrifice or giving up. It’s about addressing the situation, surrendering the conflict to find solutions. We may not have the whole answer, but part of it. Most of us never reach resolution but enable and adjust to conflict. Many of our conflicts become places of deadness, sacrifice and compensation which actually keeps the conflicts there. Where there is competition there is a possibility of healing.
As we progress we hit the independence/dependence step stage where one partner fights to be in control. However remember on the deepest level both feel the same core wounds. In that partnership, one person will act out all the hidden feelings the independent person has denied. This in turns puts the independent person in touch with those things. The other person who appears needy needs to admit they want there there needs met, and not sacrifice or give to take. While the independent person can reach out but not victimize, to realise that another person is acting out there hidden neediness. As we move forward one person may become very positive in the relationship while the other becomes negative. Both viewpoints are valid. However, it’s realizing that we can deny and become naive while underestimating by being always positive. On the other end being negative all the time may create no space for solutions. Its really about joining our partners rather than joining the conflict.